Robert Craig's "No More Bad Hair Days Travel Kit"
By Cam Burns |
As any journo knows, assignments can come in all shades of weird. This one started out with a press kit sent to MG’s editorial boss, followed by some hard thinking on his part, then a fast email to the assignee. It went something like this:
May 7, ’07: “Cam: This lady sends me a press release via email asking if I’d like to review some hair products that were designed by Robert Craig. So, I start thinking: Bob Craig’s hung up his skis, had his entire inner being taken over by well-coiffed aliens, and now he’s designing hair-care products. Well, I replied, ‘Sure. Bob’s a great guy, a long-time friend who’s done me numerous favors over the years, and can legitimately be called a mountain legend, author of ‘Storm and Sorrow in the High Pamir,’ one of the truly great mountaineering books ever penned, ex-president of the American Alpine Club, ex-executive director of both the Aspen Institute and the Keystone Center, and, more importantly, one of the founding fathers of Mountain Gazette back in the early-’70s. I’ll do what I can to help Bob make this next transition. So, send me some of his hair-care products at your earliest convenience.’ Products arrived today, and, well, different Robert Craig. But I see no reason on earth why that should stop us doing a review on these various bottles of potential beauty, the name of the line being ‘No More Bad Hair Days.’ I know you, like me, hate the thought of having messed-up locks while you’re out in the backcountry. So, should I fire these little bottles of bouffant bliss off to you for a review? MJF.”
May 8, ’07: “John, ummm …sure. Cam.”
May 21, ’07: “Cam. Mailed Robert Craig hair-care products today. MJF.”
May 25, ’07: “John. The ‘No More Bad Hair Days Travel Kit’ arrived today. There are three 2-plus-ounce bottles of different shampoos designed for soft, hard and extremely hard water. What the heck’s ‘hard’ about? Do they mean ice or do I throw a few of my Hustler back issues in a bucket? Cam.”
May 25, ’07: “Cam. They mean minerals. MJF.”
May 26, ’07: “Oh. Right. Of course. There’s also a collection of litmus-test papers, which I didn’t see before, along with a conditioning spray. And some instructions. They tell you to test your water first — see if it’s ‘soft,’ ‘hard’ or ‘extremely hard.’ You suggested that Bob Craig designing hair care products sounded ludicrous, but I think Bob Craig should’ve started a line like this. I knew George Bell and his slides of the 1953 K2 trip showed some vile tresses, especially at Camp II after that pot exploded. I for one would love to see some Ed Viesturs investment software (called ‘Acceptable Risk’), a line of Royal Robbins bolt-cutters and a Don Whillans combination ash-tray-and-keg backpack. Cam.”
May 26, ’07: “Cam. I know all this is overwhelming, but you’ve got to focus, goddammit, focus!. MJF.”
May 27, ’07: “I washed the cat with the ‘Robert Craig Shampoo Salon Formulated Botanical Complex Soft Water’ stuff. The cat (she’s soft) came clean, but continues to lick herself. And me a bit. What was the name of Bob Craig’s book … ‘Storm and Pompadour’? I can see why. Cam.”
May 27, ’07: “Cam. Would you recommend it? MJF.”
May 27, ’07: “John. The book or the shampoo? Never read the book. The shampoo? Maybe not for cats. But I tried it myself and it got my hair clean. That’s the idea, right? Gonna try the hair of the dog, so to speak. Cam.”
May 27, ’07: “Cam. You’re getting better at reviewing products. But here’s the thing: My latest stash of hotel-procured freebie shampoo is fast running out. I NEED to know if this Robert Craig shit is good, as the PR lady promised me a lifetime supply if your review comes out positive. MJF.”
May 27, ’07: “John. Tried the stuff called ‘Robert Craig Shampoo Salon Formulated Botanical Complex Hard Water.’ Shouldn’t they have hyphenated ‘salon-formulated’ on the label? Cam.”
May 27, ’07: “Cam. Damned illiterate PR flaks. But that’s not why we’re here. MJF.”
May 27, ’07: “John. What’s a ‘botanical complex’? Like the Denver Gardens? I Googled the term and the Swansea (Wales) Botanic Gardens came up. Cam.”
May 27, ’07: “Cam. I think you’re missing the point. MJF.”
May 28, ’07: “John. Magazines aside, I finally switched to the hard stuff, ‘Robert Craig Shampoo Salon Formulated Botanical Complex Extremely Hard Water.’ It worked well. We shampooed the whole family. I’d say this stuff is pretty good. Good bangs for the buck (yok, yok). I’d recommend them especially for a Flat Tops (yok, yok) trip. But, honestly, my expertise with shampoo (and conditioner, which I tried) is fairly limited. Cam.”
May 28, ’07: “Cam. I worship at the altar of your wit and cleverness. But you’ve not yet answered my question: Can you review this stuff in a way that will be valuable to our overwhelmingly dirtbag readers? I know this is the sort of thing every member of the extended Mountain Gazette family would be interested in. So, I need to know whether I can get a commitment from you! MJF.”
May 28, ’07: “John. Maybe … ”
Cam Burns recently got lost in thought and found it unfamiliar territory. He can be reached at jonathanhemlock@hotmail.com.
