A Bad Idea by the Makers of Guinness Stout
By Vince WelchThe Deceased: A Bad Idea by the Makers of Guinness Stout
Born: Sometime before 2003
Died: Sometime in 2003
Reason: The good sense of those who drink Guinness
Likely as not, the sales, marketing and R-and-D (research-and-development) departments for Guinness Corporation had too long a lunch (or not long enough?) together when they came up with this idea, which I’m certain they considered “clever.” Faced with the twin problems of justifying their complimentary existences, as well as resurrecting their share of the dwindling “impatient youth market” (whose members apparently cannot wait a heartbeat before quaffing their beverage-of-choice), they needed a breakthrough, a marketing/tech “ah-ha!” Whether hi-tech was the chicken or the egg (or the chicken that ate the egg) remains a question Guinness drinkers will ponder through their winter nights for decades to come.
There was, indeed, a perverse brilliance to the simple idea. Don’t mess with the product. Don’t charge more to boost its snob appeal. Instead, why not slash the pouring time from pump to glass of the world-famous black stout from two minutes to twenty-seconds? The economic implications were obvious; the social and aesthetic results seemed to have escaped those geniuses who plumb our subconscious desires. The notion that how the “product” was delivered might have something to do with the mystique that surrounds a pint of Guinness seemed to have escaped their appreciation.
The ultrasound technology was called “FastPour,” an ominous, yet simple moniker. It would take the black stout from the stone-aged, leisurely two-minute-pour from the keg (which has been the routine for nearly two hundred years whereby the hearty brew is allowed to settle and then is topped off while you have a chat with the barman or survey your fellow drinkers of the male or female persuasion) to an unspeakably efficient 25 seconds. Quintessentially American: Why wait ... for anything? More is good, fast is better. More faster is great.
Guinness drinkers believed that the people behind this idea must have suffered some kind of “group hangover.”
One only has to have the most fundamental grasp of mathematics to comprehend the consequences, economic and otherwise, of this mind-numbing assault on bar/pub culture. Even for those of us who flunked math, this is a no-brainer. The “FastPour” concept means, simply, that four pints could be poured in the time it previously took to pour one. Ergo, it is likely that more Guinness would be consumed by the beer-swilling crowd (which I have nothing against personally; some of my best friends ... never mind), resulting in increased sales, cost savings and the ire of M.A.D.D.
This death knell took on sinister spiritual complications when one considers that the “product” (once a sacrament) gets “delivered” (usually “offered”) more “efficiently”(in a state of grace) to the “consumer” (the believer) who gets what he or she “desires” (needs) right “now” (in the course of the ritual).
Nursing my pint of black liquid gold and a dose of melancholy, it occurred to me that the likely fate of Guinness was not dissimilar to that of Mt. Everest. Once Chomolungma took approximately 90 days to climb (with luck and the weather on your side). Now the poor dear takes half as long, meaning that twice as many climbers (at $65,000 a pop) can be placed on or near the summit. So much for the mystique that once made this line of thinking, well, unthinkable, if not bearable.
Yet another victim of more, better, faster, harder, firster.
The news of Guinness’ demise, however, has proved premature. The marketing branch did have the good sense to test market their new approach before springing it on their unsuspecting customers the world over. A three-month trial in London, Yorkshire and the northwest of England proved a remarkable failure. The Brits were having none of it. One old fellow growled, “If you don’t have time to wait for a pint of Guinness, what do you have time for?” He was later queried about a spot on the marketing team. A bar manager likened the waiting for the pint to “a religious experience.” One young woman even ventured, “People would know that a fast Guinness isn’t a real Guinness.”
This show of defiance gave me a dash of hope for the future of Guinness, if not young barflies.
The Guinness drinkers of England had spoken, put their foot down where most mountaineers fear to tread. They had said “NO” to more, better, faster. Enough was enough. It was, without a doubt, a giant step backwards for stout-drinking mankind. A spokesman for Guinness stated, “We got the message. Most people thought it was a bad idea, and we’re not going ahead with it.”
This is one death worth celebrating with a pint or two.
As the folks from Gallo Wine in California once put it in the 1970s, “We will serve no wine before its time.” Of course, if you want your beverage in a handy half-gallon containers with a screw top that can be carried in a brown bag to share with your friends, well then ...
